Through the Pain of Infertility

Discovering a Bigger Purpose When the Dream of Motherhood Changes

By Andrea Stephens

Through the pain of infertility, I found God had a bigger plan. My fulfillment and contentment did not have to be measured by childbirth.

Imade a beeline to the beach where I could talk and walk with God. But the talk turned out more like a shouting match (okay, God doesn’t shout but I sure was), because one of the first things I saw in the sand were big mommy footprints next to little kid footprints. Are you kidding me, Lord? Why did I have to see these right here, right now? Could I just get a break? My escape to the beach ended up being one more reminder that I was childless.

Years of doctor appointments, invasive ultrasounds, blood draws, ovulation kits, surgeries to remove painful cysts and endometriosis, and still the hand-knit baby booties on my dresser, intended to be a symbol of hope, were becoming a source of discouragement.

Working Through the Emotions of Infertility

I already had plenty of time to work through the jealousy when sisters and friends announced their pregnancies (realizing that what God was doing in their lives had nothing to do with me helped me rejoice with them), politely declining baby shower invitations (and sending non-emotional gifts like diapers), and learning how to respond when asked if I have kids (I say no, then immediately change the topic).

I had also worked through most of the basic God questions. Why won’t you give me a baby? Don’t you love me? What have I done wrong? What sin have I not confessed? Why won’t you bless me? I promise to raise my children to love and serve you (bargaining with God rarely works but I thought it would be grand if He would pull off another Hannah thing). I had peace that infertility is not a withdrawal of God’s love, not a judgment, or punishment, or proof of abandonment, or proof that God is powerless, or doesn’t answer prayer.